What Happens when KazeshiniXHaineko Happen?
by SLYKM
Summary: The momment Haineko bends over to wipe dirt off her feet, Kazeshini realizes he has a lust for more than just ending lives. And so he tries his best to surpress his urges and dress up as Hyourinmaru to get some cat girl tail...Complete...M for smut


Pairings with kazeshini!

Why, you ask? Because I think it will be funny!

1: KazeshiniXHaineko

It is almost the end of the day, and Kazeshini is about to lead Haineko on a date...so they decided to somehow go to the land of the living, and have a romantic dinner...(as Haineko wishes) here's where the issues begin.

As strange and dangerous as Kazeshini looks, (even with slightly formal clothes) no one else sits near his table. Actually they sit as far away as possible. But this doesn't bother him at all because he is too transfixed on reading the items on the menu, as though picking the right food would make a drastic difference.

Haineko, (also in formal wear), is also looking at the menu, yet she is slightly disturbed by the weary dinners. But she decides to wink at a couple of the other good looking human people, since Kazeshini isn't looking. Then she looks back at Kazeshini who has got a slightly sadistic grin on his face. She wonders how this date even came about. It started like this:

One day, while she was wishing Hyourinmaru would notice her, she spotted dirt on her shoe and bended over to wipe it off.

Kazeshini happens to be next to her and she notices him looking in her direction, her bending over and all. She takes interest in his perverted expression. Maybe he did realize that even if he is a zanpakto, he has needs too. She figured he was fantasizing, but it could have been fantasizing about killing something since that seems to be what interests him most, and just happened to look in that direction. But whatever he was thinking, he seemed to remember that he probably has needs since she basically teased him about it. Total crack, I know, but it's true...maybe.

So that brings us to now...

The waiter comes over and asks them what they would like to order, but anyone with proper eyesight could tell that he was afraid, especially since Kazeshini's weapon was sitting on one of the empty seats. Haineko was confused when he told the man up front that he needed a table for three.

"I wondered how the chefs kill the cows for the steak," Kazeshini wonders aloud to the waiter.

"Well, the chefs don't-"  
"To get a cow in that shape, they would have to slice it into many pieces...are the cows still alive when that happens, or do they kill them first, and them chop them up...there must be so much blood..." This seems to excite Kazeshini in ways a sex starved person oodles over a simple picture.

Haineko, the waiter, and other humans are looking at Kazeshini with looks of disbelief, and the cat girl is actually also embarrassed.

"Honey," she said with a nervous smile, "Maybe now is not the time..."

"Honey?" Kazeshini repeats with a tone of confusion and disapproval, "What kind stupid of nick name is that?"

"Fine! Is Dumbass better for you!"

"...I think I want to be a chef..."

Haineko is disturbed that he completely ignored her.

"Actually," the waiter says next, much more nervous than before, "The chefs only cook the food..."

"How boring...or are they burned alive?"

"No they are dead before we cook them..."

"This sucks," Haineko grumbles to herself.

"You said it," he answers oblivious to what she meant.

"Just bring us whatever you want," Haineko says. The waiter wastes no time arguing.

"You look pissed," Kazeshini says as though there is no reason to be.

In all, her pride is a little hurt, since he seemed more interesting in blood than her, and even ignored her sexy body. And she spent so many minutes picking out a dress that did wonders on her body. And any more than one minute is a lot of time to spend picking out an outfit. She wants her pride soothed, so she decides to say something like this:

"Hey, Kazeshini..." she says in a flirty tone, "Do my boobs look big enough in this dress?"

Kazeshini pauses for a minute, looks her over and then says, "They sure are! Can I touch one...or two..."

"Nope, not yet," Haineko grins, "If your good then you'll be lucky."

"Fine...I'll fight a couple of those guys over there..."

Haineko quickly takes his hands to keep him from grabbing his weapon, "Just sit there, and don't mention fighting or killing at all, and then you could use your weapon on me."

"I don't think I want to use my scythes on you...that's not something couples do...or is it? That actually makes this dinning bullshit more interesting!"

"No, THIS weapon..." she uses her foot to feel a certain area that freezes Kazeshini into place.

Kazeshini is stiffened and is pretty much forced to be silenced in awe. How can anyone do such things with a foot? And the things she does with her bare foot are not fully explained here. Use some imagination. His reaction soothes her pride in more ways than she hoped. How interesting, she thinks to herself.

Me, the author, wonders why this happened? Unfortunately, later on, things don't go as planned.

After eating the food, whatever it might have been, everything has gone smoothly. Except for some reason, Kazeshini really needed to go pee. He wanted to sit there like she told him to, but it just wasn't possible.

He left to go to the bathroom and after pondering about it for a second, he decided that he should leave his scythes there.

After only moments someone approaches Haineko, and he is obviously digging her. This also feeds her pride, she just hoped Kazeshini wasn't the jealous type, or that at least he'd take forever or that they would go away quickly.

After talking a bit, Kazeshini comes back and is shocked to see some guy talking to Haineko. Not wanting to loose the opportunity to do the things she promised, or a chance for a fight, he quickly grabs his scythes.

Kazeshini doesn't waste any time, and quickly kills that guy. A couple people get up quickly and want to flee. Haineko watches in utter embarrassment and horror. Kazeshini doesn't let them escape, and runs after them with a grin that expresses how he is having the time of his life.

In anger, Haineko decides to scream very dramatically, "KAZESHINI!" This scream is heard from just about anywhere, even by those outside the restaurant.

After Haineko is home, wherever that is, Kazeshini says the next bit as casual as one could say anything.

"So...I'm pretty sure you had fun, I know I did. I was good, so...do I get to use my other weapon on you? Like you said."

"No...you ruined everything!" Haineko is still pretty angry, "I didn't get my desert, so neither do you!"

"Oh, I get it," Kazeshini says, "You wanted to kill some of those guys too?"

"No, Kazeshini, I wanted to eat cheese cake..."

"At least we didn't have to pay any money..."

"I'll see you later...dumbass."

"Dumbass?"

"You ruined your chance to get laid, so that makes you a dumbass...Be here tomorrow and we'll have another date."

Haineko didn't want to admit it, but it was kind of fun. She grins.

"Maybe you'd like a kiss?"

Next day, the two zanpakto are arguing about what they should do. Hisagi, Matsumoto, and Histugaya watch from the sidelines.

"You just...found...a lot of money...so it would be a good idea if we just went shopping! You know you could get yourself a better wardrobe. I mean those shoes look like an elf's gray high heels!"

"Hey, I kinda like these shoes," Kazeshini lifts one of his feet as he says this.

"Besides the rest of your outfit make you look like you can't afford better clothes."

"What I wear won't do me any good in a fight...Besides I'd like to see you in something like what I'm wearing..."

"You can't be serious!"

"Those two are a couple?" Histugaya asks in disbelief, "They look like they hate each other."

"Yep," Matsumoto answers, "Haineko wasn't too happy about the dinner, but she said she let him kiss her."

"And Kazeshini kept bragging about the whole thing," Hisagi muttered.

"What I don't get is why Haineko is interested in that guy," Histugaya groaned quietly, "Hyourinmaru is obviously better than that guy...I'm pretty sure that he could beat him in a fight."

Hisagi decides to get protective, "How is that so? He just plays around with ice cubes, Kazeshini uses a real example of deadly weapons, meant to kill."

"You don't even like killing!"

"Kazeshini is very annoying, but he's cooler than your zanpakto."

"Aren't you being a little out of character, Hisagi?" Matsumoto grins as she says this.

"Shopping spree!" Haineko demands.

"Killing spree!" Kazeshini demands also.

"C'mon, Kazeshini," she flirts, "would you rather kill people or have a chance to tap this..." Haineko goes into an interesting pose, one that makes Hisagi and Histugaya stop arguing for a moment. Matsumoto crosses her arms.

"Oh c'mon, I am way hotter than she is...right Captain?"

He doesn't pay attention to her.

"Damn you, Haineko," she grumbles.

Kazeshini wonders what he would rather do. He thinks of what he could do with Haineko later on, but also, the fun he'd have fighting and killing. What should he choose? The curves, positions that could make said curves even greater, the noises and all those liquids...or the fighting, the killing that would make said fighting even greater, the battle cries, and all that blood..They both sound so great to Kazeshini, but at a moment he thinks. Yea that wouldn't be too bad.

"Can I just have both?"

"No, pick one."

He thinks it over again, shopping, (the pain), and then sex. Or. Killing (oh the fun), and then no sex?

He decided to go shopping.

So goes the painful purchasing and purchases...then things Haineko made him try on...wearing a shirt? Normal shoes? (madness I say...) And he couldn't even take his scythes with him? But that wasn't even the worst part.

She made him wear really tight fitting jeans, and some damn shirt with a band logo on it. Apparently she wanted to see if a somewhat punk look would work for him. He hated it, though. Then she tried a biker look. He hated it. She made him try something that maybe a stereotype gay guy would wear. Oh how he hated that sweater.

He was able to go through the other horrible choices with the fantasies of seeing Haineko naked and mutilating whoever designed that damn sweater. She somehow found something that was a lot like what Hyourinmaru would wear, and she loved it. Kazeshini now had to survive the rest of the day wearing such a thing by fantasizing about seeing Haineko in a female version of his usual outfit, and mutilating Hyourinmaru.

And all the things Haineko bought, he had to carry it all while she tried on even more clothes. Honestly, he didn't think this could be more horrible, or he didn't think he could be so miserable. But he kept going on through the day, fantasizing about Haineko and maybe her master, and his master as a girl, doing some crazy stuff, and then go on a killing spree, so that he could let out all kinds of things, liquids and anger alike in one night.

But Haineko seemed happy, and thus, Kazeshini couldn't help be a little amused himself, despite all the other stuff. He thought if maybe he might see more in her than her curves and what fun he could have with her. Am I crazy? He thought.

Haineko would have wanted to spend all this time with Hyourinmaru. What was she doing with THIS guy anyway? He may be dressed like him right now, but he is nothing like him otherwise. She wondered that the whole time, why she even decided to spend any more time with Kazeshini. So she decided that maybe she really preferred Kazeshini. I must be crazy, she thought.

Before they left the store Haineko says.

"Kazeshini, I decided that I hate that look for you."

"Oh no," Kazeshini groaned, "not more shopping..."

"I know, I know, I mean that I think I really did like your original look after all."

"Huh?" Kazeshini put down the shopping bags and then tore away the outfit. For some reason, he had been wearing his usual outfit underneath.

Dignity and arrogance seemed to return to his whole being.

"I knew my look was the bad ass out of them all!"

So that night, Haineko let Kazeshini deflower her. In this use of the word, deflower, I mean, let him take her clothes off. And of course got rid of his. And now I come to wonder, should there be an explicit scene that tells you what exactly it was they did after that? Are we all perverted enough? Or should I just leave that to that comic artist?

I decided that, since it's been awhile, that I will tell you the tales of their lusty act. And if you wonder why it is even necessary, then I must ask you...Why not?

Kazeshini is not quite fluent with these kinds of things so Haineko had to lead, but that isn't something she would mind doing. So she brings herself lower, on her knees, lets say. She looks up at him and when she's sure he's paying attention, (or otherwise ready), she begins.

She starts by licking the head, as if she was testing the taste, but with a bit of a sexual mood. Despite the quite different appearance, his taste is quite enjoyable. Kazeshini gasps, but Haineko believes that she could get a much better reaction, and like any woman should, she works to get one.

She opens her mouth wider and fits the whole head, and slowly moves herself, and as her mouth gets wetter she puts more of it in. Kazeshini groans as the head rubs against the top of her mouth, and the rest gets deeper. Haineko hums a little when she tastes a salty pre-come.

She does this so well, without even letting her sharp teeth get in the way. But the slow pace is as much a tease as it is torture, but just as he thinks that he might just burst, she pulls herself away, and grins at Kazeshini, and lies herself down.

"Oh, I see," Kazeshini answers against his disappointment in her stopping the fellatio.

"Yep," Haineko says slowly, as she spreads herself and licks her lips. With her index finger, she ushers him closer, "It's my turn." Haineko thought that his "hair" (that seems to be the same material as his skin, or if it is even hair), would be good for yanking as he eats her out.

But she should have known that Kazeshini is both too selfish and inpatient for that, (that bastard, I think as I slowly shake my head disapprovingly). So instead he slowly approaches, then gets on top of her and looks down at her. Her expression is one of disapproval.

He adjusts and is finally inside the walls of woman again. (note from SLY: this sentence put me in a laughing fit for probably a minute). Haineko is slightly angry that she didn't get a turn, but as soon as the head enters her, she hums loudly and isn't disappointed anymore.

Kazeshini's groans and Haineko's outbursts mix together, and anyone nearby could hear the festivities which include the creeks of the bed springs.

The one unlucky enough to pass by and hear such things, is Renji. He hears the noises, and then he thinks of this following fantasy.

"Hey, Rukia," Renji would say to her as she passes by. He would have some flowers, chocolate, and condoms in his pockets, just in case.

He would give her the flowers in a somewhat macho way.

Rukia's eyes would glisten as she thinks of how lovely her flowers are.

"Rukia, how bout you forget about Ichigo, and you have me, as your love interest!"

And they would run off together, and eventually do things like the way the two zanpakto are right now. Ah, it was an interesting fantasy. But was it an impossible one too? Renji walked away with these things in mind.

Back to the main characters who are just about in the climax of their party. Kazeshini had sat himself up, and brought Haineko closer by dragging her on his lap, while she continued to lie down. He held on to her legs as slammed into her. Haineko couldn't believe how such a skinny guy could have so much power, but she didn't regret it.

He got close enough to her, (with her being a cat, and so, flexible), so that her knees were almost next to her head, and she took this opportunity to wrap her arms around his shoulders.

Haineko's toes bunched up and her hands and a certain other area clenched as she felt a powerful euphoric sensation. Kazeshini reacted to her tightness being even more so and her outcry of satisfaction by delivering an outburst of his own as he shot his seed deep into her.

The two breathed heavily, and he rolled over next to her.

Kazeshini chuckled slightly, thinking that the shopping was no longer such a horrible event.

Nine months later, Kazeshini gets a strange call...

"What?" He stops what he was doing and rushes to where Haineko was (wherever that might be), and sees if the news was right.

He did notice a round belly forming on Haineko, but he just figured that the cat girl was getting fat, though he learned to not mind it so much as long as her boobs also got bigger.

When he made it there, Haineko was lying in a bed, upset with Kazeshini.

"Where were you!" she growled. She looked like she been through hell.

"I dunno..." Kazeshini not wanting to have kids, because of his slightly horrible experience with both the orphan baby and the Yumi. So he responded with this.

"Err...it aint mine!"

Just then someone came back in with not one, but two babies. Anyone with proper eyesight could tell that the immensely dark red babies could only be the offspring of Kazeshini.

So with this Kazeshini held the two babies, who looked confused and paranoid, and told the whole world with a voice that was dramatic.

"When you two grow up, I'll teach you the joy of ending lives so that we could be the most bad ass father and sons ever!" Kazeshini eyed Haineko and grumbled, "And do homework or go shopping or whatever."

So, as this paring's story comes to a finish, it must be none that this I am found of it...to some extent. But don't worry, there are some other crack filled ideas, just in case you thought it wasn't good enough. Including a yaoi, and a crossover...great.

But this is what would happen if the writers/artists of Bleach decided to allow crack such as this. No, lets be realistic, they do allow crack. Just think of the Hollow resistant watermelons...The super glue that glued soul reapers to their fake bodies? But if they were to allow more crack, then this would most certainly happen...probably.

It would probably take awhile till I update...sorry for any typos...and other mistakes XD


End file.
